Why am I not enough? A question I have asked over and over for many years. A question I know many others have asked themselves also. I have historically suffered from low self esteem and worth and over the past few years these feelings have been at the forefront of my thoughts and I am finding it harder and harder to push them aside. I've also become very good at masking them in public.
Recently I've started to see a psychotherapist to help me unpack all these feelings and retrain my brain not succumb to my own self doubts. She has also asked me to start blogging again. I've sat down many times to write a blog and each time left it with only a title, as some of the things I'd like to write I'm not sure I'm ready to publish out to the world. The advice is to write it and leave it as a draft, publish it when I'm ready whether it's next week or next year. So two years after my last published post I'm sitting down to begin opening up once again, this is not my usual blog.
For as long as I can remember I have felt this feeling of self doubt, of not being good enough, or worthy. Whether it be in a group of peers, colleagues, at school, work, or sports, I feel like it is only a matter of time before the gig is up. That someone will realize I'm not really all that smart, or good at my vocation, I'm just a lucky athlete, nowhere close to being a good mom, daughter or wife. Every year at school, beginning in Kindergarten, I was afraid to move to the next grade. Even though I did well in class I felt that in the next year I wouldn't be smart enough to pass. I always passed and did well, however it was not an easy feeling to overcome, sometimes I wonder how I made it through University! This feeling carries through to work as well. I remember writing the exams for my current job, they were tough with both multiple written and oral components. I'd studied hard, and yet still felt like I wasn't prepared. When the results were in, we received a class lecture stating many of us did not do well and several would need to do them again. Immediately I thought it was me. It wasn't that I wasn't prepared, that I didn't study or answer all of the questions. It was the belief that I was not smart enough, good enough, that these peers were better than me. The fear I felt, as I really needed to keep this position, was causing me to feel ill. The relief that came when told I'd passed with an exceptional grade was immense. Tears filled my eyes and I moved forward into the next phase, I felt like I was moving from Grade 8- Grade 9. Part of me knowing I can do it, the doubtful, fearful voice in my mind saying you're not enough.
When I was 10 years old, I was moved up a group in the swim club. I was now in with the 12-13year old kids. I was scared. Every practice I would get dropped off, go in, start warm up and then feign illness to get out. It wasn't that I didn't want to swim, or that it wasn't a privilege to be moved up at my age, I was scared that I didn't belong, that I wasn't good enough to be there. My coach called in my parents and told them that if I didn't straighten up I'd have to go back down to the lower group. That was not an option, so I stuck it out and made it through as I always do but that didn't make the feelings of inadequacy disappear. There was always a pressure to perform, succeed, win, with feelings of fear and inadequacy.
These beliefs have led me to be the 'can you' person. Sheila can you do this, Sheila can you do that.....can you, can you, can you.... I have been the person that says yes every time even when everything inside me was screaming "NO". My fear of being found out that I'm not good enough, or deserving enough compels me to say yes, to be a pleaser, to try to not let anyone down. I argue with the yes/no in my brain. The 'what if' takes over. What if I say no, will I be a failure, will I let them down, will they not like me, will they be angry or upset, will they know I'm not good enough. The more tasks I'm able to perform the higher my value has been my misguided belief. Through this I've become someone that can juggle a million things, nothing is done to 100% my liking. Perhaps that's my own design. I believe I'm not enough so I've created a life where I do so much that there isn't one thing that I'm great at, except maybe taking on too much. Until recently, this 'what if' voice has almost always won out over the screaming No inside my gut. I continue to struggle every day with the thought of not being enough, however with some outside help I'm slowly finding my NO to the things I'm not sure I can handle, and saying yes to more things that are important to me. I'm not even close to where I'd like to be however there has been progress forward. I've stepped back from certain things, I'm struggling because there is not full understanding as to why from some others, and I feel like I'm letting them down.
The most important thing to me is that I continue to be a good mother to my girls, part of that process is making sure I am good to myself as well. Each day will be a new journey into finding my No to things I don't really want, learning what I do want and not being afraid to go after it, and saying yes, I am enough.
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